I Will Let Go Of Anger

Continuing my focus on the Precepts, I remember the first time I saw this one and thinking "Excuse me?!"  My Reiki teacher said she had a similar reaction - must be our similar backgrounds in mental health! 

It's not that anger is bad or that we should never feel angry.  Emotions in and of themselves are not bad - they just "are" - it's what we do with them that gives them their destructive or constructive power and I'd like to think that the meaning behind this Precept relates to not using our anger destructively. 

What do I mean by that? Well, the last time I chose to spend an entire day seething, gritting my teeth, clenching my jaw, swearing under my breath, slamming doors, throwing insults and/or objects, I didn't accomplish very much other than giving myself a terrible headache by the end of the day.  To top it off, my coworkers were tiptoeing around me, my partner and my dogs were doing the same, and I felt ashamed of myself.  Whatever it was that I was angry about was still there to boot.

One of the things that I've learned over the years is that when I feel that heat rising it usually means that somewhere deep inside I'm feeling threatened, not necessarily physically, but perhaps in my sense of self.  If my partner has, for example, chastised me for spending too much money and I react with a nasty comment, it's usually because on some level I know that that particular purchase was impulsive and I feel "exposed".  So, my nasty comment might help me to avoid feeling guilty or ashamed, but it will hurt someone that I love dearly and we'll spend the evening in opposite ends of the house, avoiding each other, licking our wounds and feeling alone and isolated. 

In addition, as much as I do work hard and could argue that I have a right to treat myself, my partner also has a right to expect that I will honour my financial committment to our relationship by not blowing the budget.  If I hold tightly to my "rights" and try too hard to protect that image of myself, I risk getting caught in a cycle of being inauthentic, feeling guilty and ashamed, trying to assuage/distract myself from my guilt and shame with yet another impulsive purchase and around and around I go.  Not helpful to either one of us (or our dogs who sense the upset and react to it just as a child might).

What would happen if, instead of hurling my nasty comment his way, I had said "You know what, honey, you're right. I bought that book (usually books!) because I'm feeling overwhelmed at work this week and I was trying to distract myself from that." Well, usually, I feel a sense of relief because I've named and honoured that sense of overwhelm and in doing so I begin to feel less overwhelmed. That's a bonus right there!  My honesty also allows my partner and I to connect on an emotional level.  He may be able to offer reassurance or insight.  He may even feel safe enough to look at and acknowledge a similar behaviour (or similarly motivated behaviour) in himself.  Win-win!!

So, "I will let go of anger" is not about stuffing our feelings or letting people walk all over us.  It's about standing up for ourselves in ways that both honour us and respect the people around us.  It's about using that energy to effect a positive outcome instead of a negative one where that is possible.  It's about acknowledging that sometimes the situation that angers us isn't likely to change very much and deciding what our best course of action will be in the face of that reality.

Namaste,
Janet